Red Herring.

There are certain things I have the privilege of blaming - unequivocally - on the television. That unshakable crush on Jason Bateman that dates back to the days of The Hogan Family. My obsession with Hungry Hungry Hippos, that pointless game I begged my parents for but never got because my dad kept saying, "All you'll do is lose the pieces, I'm not buying a game with pieces to lose!" And things like Lip Venom, that stupid gimmick I saw on Best Week Ever that effectively ruined my barely existent love life for good.

It's marketed as a "spicy, tingly" lip gloss, and the truth is it is spicy, it does tingle. It tastes minty, like you've furiously rubbed a dissolving Altoid all over your lips, and it makes them plump to Angelina Jolie size in the blink of an eye. Who wouldn't want that? I mean, I'm all for following my therapist's advice and accepting" myself for my "inner beauty," but come on, Angelina Jolie lips! Where do I sell my soul? I fell for the promises of Lip Venom like a little raccoon digging through the neighbor's garbage seeking desperately a little bone to chew on, and what a bone I found. Literally.

The thing with the Lip Venom is that it apparently has such high concentrations of certain spices that it can cause a serious allergic reaction if absorbed through certain soft tissues on a man's body. Certain porous, delicate soft tissue that really shouldn't be exposed to such spicy, tingly gloss. Although they put on a good front of being these confident, controlling creatures who split wood with the swing of an ax and build log cabins out of toothpicks, there are parts of men that are sensitive, to say the least, parts that need nurturing and protection from the devilish forces of pain and evil that lurk around in the world. That's what women are for, you see, to protect and nurture, not to torture those parts of men we know aren't meant for torturing.

The moral of the story is simple: Don't wear the Lip Venom when you're out with any potential love interest. Don't wear the gloss if you think the love interest has interest in you and wants to skip the evening's plans and go home, taking you and your strapless dress-wearing self with him. Don't wear the gloss if you and your romantic interest haven't discussed things like life threatening allergies to common household items, especially if the lip gloss you just spent $18 on happens to be made of the exact product he's allergic to.

Or else you'll find yourself sitting in the emergency room on a Tuesday night, the only person in the waiting room aside for a Mexican kid who stepped on a nail and his weeping mother and a TV playing Home Improvement on mute while the guy you�ve seen only 4 times is treated for some very embarrassing swelling and discoloration caused by your $18 lip gloss.

HOW in the WORLD is someone allergic to CINNAMON!???!!